Why I Quit Drinking

you look fantastic uh you have uh you’ve

lost a

you’ve lost some weight around two

ounces um

[Laughter]

i was gonna say about two ounces yeah um

no i stopped drinking and i just kind of

put the weight off really so you you

stop drinking and

the weight just because they say that’s

yeah that can really make a huge

difference yeah i was having uh you know

a lot of vodka with sausage and uh

was the sausage in the drink yeah oh wow

delicious yeah

but bad for you bad for you uh swizzle

sausage

i was getting in too much trouble with

the drink and stuff so i just kind of

was there an incident that sort of

uh cause that everyone when they if they

stop drinking there’s usually one thing

that happens that makes them think okay

now i gotta cut back this was about 20

things

um one night i was walking

that’s it that’s the story you just were

like i’ve got to stop walking this

walking thing is terrible um

i i was walking through new york and i

was

walking over towards one of the bridges

to walk home and

i was in the lower east side and i had

gotten into the whiskey that night and i

was listening to my headphones and

this guy in a jag jaguar jaguar

war how do you say it jaguar yeah one of

those

cut me off when i was crossing uh ludlow

street yeah

now if it had been a chevy lumina i

wouldn’t have cared

right but this is a jag and some fancy

  Most Iconic Alcohol

in there

and uh yeah and um

so as it cut me off i hit the car as

hard as i can with my hands just like

bam hey i was saying man zach you’re

real cool

yeah and i had some whiskey i got my

headphones on i just hit a jaguar yeah

and i you know i just keep walking and

tap on my shoulder about 20 seconds

later and i turn around and it’s

two six foot six guys uh

12 by 12. and um

they were cubed they were cute but

anyway there were two

huge six foot six guys and i turn around

i take my headphones off

and they they both at the same time spit

my face

you’re kidding and i don’t know if

you’ve ever been spitting your face

non-sexually but

[Laughter]

all i remember is being so stunned

and they walked away i didn’t really

even say anything because i didn’t know

what to say

and i remember reaching into a trash can

and grabbing a beer bottle and yeah and

saying to myself

out loud nobody spits in zach

galifianakis’s face

i threw the beer bottle at the car

and it missed and that’s my story yeah

i wish

[Applause]

but that’s one of the reasons i you

decided to cut back yeah cut back

did the guys the guys didn’t recognize

they spit on you they obviously didn’t

recognize you what about me now

i was wearing a nixon mask well this

story’s changing a lot no i don’t think

no they didn’t recognize now

if they did recognize me they probably

would have done more than spit my face

  How To Drink & NOT Get Drunk

yeah but i’m curious do you like uh you

know

we’ve known you for a really long time

and we’ve seen you blow up and become

this big star

do you like being famous and being

recognized

uh i don’t and i understand the irony of

saying that on a talk show

um but

i i don’t i don’t i haven’t i’ve had

trouble i’m kind of private and i try to

if i see a pack of teenagers walking my

way forget it i will run

right yeah you’ll run the other way run

the other way for sure yeah it’s

it’s it’s a tricky thing to be noticed

do you notice that there’s a kind of

like is a certain kind of person that

notices you

more than well there’s never anybody

wearing a dr smock

it’s always somebody like with a

who-farted t-shirt

[Laughter]

never a surgeon never a surgeon

 

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